I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
