Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
