that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
