she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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