After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
