Have you finally orgasmed yet?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I smell stomach acid.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
