i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
