I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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