Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
