I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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