Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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