The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
