NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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