wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
