can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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