Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
