thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I wish I could teleport
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
