Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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