im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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