Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
