wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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