Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
