Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
