My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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