No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
