Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Randomize
