So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
