My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He passed out mid-signature
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
