I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
