Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
