i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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