I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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