I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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