my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
