I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
