Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So vagazzling was a success
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
