So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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