Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
