he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
