We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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