It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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