I heard we made out
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
