I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
