no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
