whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
