My underwear smells like fireworks.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
