I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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