I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
