pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Im part way to drunk.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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