I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
