I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
